Hitting a Wall
I’m now 8 weeks in to my weight-loss journey. And I’m tired.
I feel like the weight’s not coming off fast enough and it frustrates me. A lot. I gave myself a break during the holiday weekend and I felt the spiral hitting hard. I started drinking beer again which was something I’d hoped I wouldn’t crave anymore, but how can you have Fourth of July with no beer?! I thought I was developing a superpower-like discipline, but turns out, I’m still a normal person.
I feel like I’m spending so much time (and money) working out and fixing my diet. I don’t eat fast food anymore which means I’m going poor trying to eat healthy. But I’m still fat. I still hate myself when I look in the mirror, and I feel ugly and drained.
My fear is that I’m going to continue this for a few more weeks and somehow work backwards and gain weight again, and when that happens I won’t be encouraged enough to keep going. My fear is that I’ll give up, and I’ll never get there.
But I’m tired of caring this weight around. I’m tired of being fat and I miss being skinny. I miss being able to eat things and not feel guilty about it, I miss being able to put on clothes and not worry about how much my stomach was sticking out or the sleeves being too tight. I miss the idea of spanx being foreign to me. I miss looking in the mirror and feeling confident before I walked out of the door in the mornings. Will I ever have that again? I’m beginning to doubt it and doubt myself.
That Damn Mirror…
The mirror can really fuck with your head when you’re trying to lose weight. Depending on which one you’re looking at, you either think you look like Beyoncé or the Michelin Man.
Unfortunately, the wide dance studio mirror at my gym makes me look like the latter.
I was doing a hip-hop dance cardio class and tried everything I could to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I’d catch a glimpse it was painfully apparent how much bigger I was than everyone else in the class. Part of me wanted to run out in the middle of it and have myself a good cry. I didn’t… but I wanted to.
It really psyched me out. A class that I would normally enjoy based on the activity was ruined for me because I had to look at myself. I got home and hoped that one day, I could go into that class and feel comfortable. I just don’t think that will be any time soon.
On the other side of the coin, I went to my first ever spinning class. The room was dimly lit, no mirrors to be found. There was a young woman next to me who admittedly didn’t even know how to ride a bike, but she huffed and puffed her way through it.
I surprised myself by not giving in once despite it being one of the instructor’s more difficult rides. And I felt AMAZING afterward. Had there been a mirror in front of me so I could see myself, I don’t think my reaction to the ride would have been the same.
I’m not sure what the solution is to this, but I have to push through it. If I keep up with my goal of working out four times per week, it’ll only be a few more weeks until I see some real results. Until then, I’m trying to remedy the problem by buying more loose-fitting workout clothes to not get so distracted by the thick thighs and jello arms!
Take It “To Go”
I’ve been turning my food logs in to my trainer and she told me… I need to eat more.
WHAT?
Not necessarily more calories. Just more times in the day. Three times a day is evidently not enough. I should be splitting my meals up into 5, 300 calorie sittings, not eating more than 500 calories in a meal. This keeps your metabolism raised throughout the day instead of rising and dropping.
Yes, I’m aware that there are other nutrition facts to consider other than calories. I know I need to look at carbs, fat, sodium all that good stuff, but calories is a standard number so we’ll go with that.
I went on to tell her of my dilemma of eating out. The portions are too ridiculously large and I don’t want my friends to give me a hard time about not eating enough.
She let me in on a trick. “As soon as you’re done eating half your meal, ask for a box. Don’t wait. Get the box and pack it up; that way you won’t be picking at it while you’re waiting for all your friends to finish.”
Genius. I will be making the to-go box my new best friend. Even if I’m going somewhere after dinner, surely there will be someone on the street that would benefit from my half a meal than just throwing it in the garbage. Or I’ll just consistently go out to eat with my friend Joe who eats everything that everyone doesn’t.
While it seemed like an obvious thing to do, things like eating five meals a day and eating half your meal don’t seem as obvious until you have a record of all your food intake in front of your face laid out in front of you and you can see day-to-day choices that can be improved by cutting back or spreading meals out.
Eating five meals has been really helpful. I always thought that feeling hungry on a diet was just part of the struggle, but it doesn’t have to be. Since I’ve been eating 5 smaller meals, I’ve been eating less food, never stay hungry. It’s kind of funny how that works. It makes all the difference. You can still eat all the yummy food you want for the most part, just space it out so that your metabolism can handle it better.
Why Don't My Pants Fit? 