Hitting a Wall
I’m now 8 weeks in to my weight-loss journey. And I’m tired.
I feel like the weight’s not coming off fast enough and it frustrates me. A lot. I gave myself a break during the holiday weekend and I felt the spiral hitting hard. I started drinking beer again which was something I’d hoped I wouldn’t crave anymore, but how can you have Fourth of July with no beer?! I thought I was developing a superpower-like discipline, but turns out, I’m still a normal person.
I feel like I’m spending so much time (and money) working out and fixing my diet. I don’t eat fast food anymore which means I’m going poor trying to eat healthy. But I’m still fat. I still hate myself when I look in the mirror, and I feel ugly and drained.
My fear is that I’m going to continue this for a few more weeks and somehow work backwards and gain weight again, and when that happens I won’t be encouraged enough to keep going. My fear is that I’ll give up, and I’ll never get there.
But I’m tired of caring this weight around. I’m tired of being fat and I miss being skinny. I miss being able to eat things and not feel guilty about it, I miss being able to put on clothes and not worry about how much my stomach was sticking out or the sleeves being too tight. I miss the idea of spanx being foreign to me. I miss looking in the mirror and feeling confident before I walked out of the door in the mornings. Will I ever have that again? I’m beginning to doubt it and doubt myself.
Serenity Now!
While I’ve been on this weight-loss journey, I’m also going through another transformation: I started taking an immersive 10-week course to become a designer.
So far it’s been a ball. I love meeting new people and learning new things that make me feel super smart, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the most stressful times of my life.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that socializing in itself has become work. With that said, being thrown into an immersive class with 20 other very dynamic personalities has its downfalls.
My days are filled with stand-up meetings, running around town interviewing clients, dealing with multiple projects that all entail the necessity of skills I’ve only recently learned, and doing work at my job that I actually get paid to do. The amount of people and personalities I have to connect with on a daily basis had gone from three to 30 in a matter of days. The only time I can get a quiet moment is on my commute and in showers… of which the length have become longer and longer.
I’d never thought I’d be one to say this, but I now find some of those seldom moments of peace in my workouts.
It’s one of the only times where I can concentrate on myself, reflect on my goals and put all the meetings and flowcharts and other junk away for a few minutes. There are days that are so rough that by the time I get to the gym I look like this:
But the nice thing is that I’ve turned something that I hated into something that I now need in order to feel happy and whole.
I’m trying to work this into other parts of my life with healthy eating, though, I hit some rough patches with pizza last week. Why is it SO HARD to resist pizza?!
But regardless, this journey made me realize that it doesn’t have to be about the end goal at all. I can take pride and joy from each work out. And if I can do that with my weight, surely I can take care of myself in other ways and enjoy that process as well.
I went to the store and bought several products to take care of my skin because I’ve been neglecting it for years. If you looked at my elbows, you would have thought I just army-crawled out of a chimney.
Working out and taking care of our bodies has become secondary to productivity at work, and that needs to change. But in the mean time, I’m pushing myself to prioritize my health and happiness over work. It’s not easy, but I have to start somewhere.
So, my unsolicited advice to you is to put the laptop, mobile, tablet down and go do something that makes you happy for at least one hour a day. The work will always be there when you get back!
That Damn Mirror…
The mirror can really fuck with your head when you’re trying to lose weight. Depending on which one you’re looking at, you either think you look like Beyoncé or the Michelin Man.
Unfortunately, the wide dance studio mirror at my gym makes me look like the latter.
I was doing a hip-hop dance cardio class and tried everything I could to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I’d catch a glimpse it was painfully apparent how much bigger I was than everyone else in the class. Part of me wanted to run out in the middle of it and have myself a good cry. I didn’t… but I wanted to.
It really psyched me out. A class that I would normally enjoy based on the activity was ruined for me because I had to look at myself. I got home and hoped that one day, I could go into that class and feel comfortable. I just don’t think that will be any time soon.
On the other side of the coin, I went to my first ever spinning class. The room was dimly lit, no mirrors to be found. There was a young woman next to me who admittedly didn’t even know how to ride a bike, but she huffed and puffed her way through it.
I surprised myself by not giving in once despite it being one of the instructor’s more difficult rides. And I felt AMAZING afterward. Had there been a mirror in front of me so I could see myself, I don’t think my reaction to the ride would have been the same.
I’m not sure what the solution is to this, but I have to push through it. If I keep up with my goal of working out four times per week, it’ll only be a few more weeks until I see some real results. Until then, I’m trying to remedy the problem by buying more loose-fitting workout clothes to not get so distracted by the thick thighs and jello arms!
Take It “To Go”
I’ve been turning my food logs in to my trainer and she told me… I need to eat more.
WHAT?
Not necessarily more calories. Just more times in the day. Three times a day is evidently not enough. I should be splitting my meals up into 5, 300 calorie sittings, not eating more than 500 calories in a meal. This keeps your metabolism raised throughout the day instead of rising and dropping.
Yes, I’m aware that there are other nutrition facts to consider other than calories. I know I need to look at carbs, fat, sodium all that good stuff, but calories is a standard number so we’ll go with that.
I went on to tell her of my dilemma of eating out. The portions are too ridiculously large and I don’t want my friends to give me a hard time about not eating enough.
She let me in on a trick. “As soon as you’re done eating half your meal, ask for a box. Don’t wait. Get the box and pack it up; that way you won’t be picking at it while you’re waiting for all your friends to finish.”
Genius. I will be making the to-go box my new best friend. Even if I’m going somewhere after dinner, surely there will be someone on the street that would benefit from my half a meal than just throwing it in the garbage. Or I’ll just consistently go out to eat with my friend Joe who eats everything that everyone doesn’t.
While it seemed like an obvious thing to do, things like eating five meals a day and eating half your meal don’t seem as obvious until you have a record of all your food intake in front of your face laid out in front of you and you can see day-to-day choices that can be improved by cutting back or spreading meals out.
Eating five meals has been really helpful. I always thought that feeling hungry on a diet was just part of the struggle, but it doesn’t have to be. Since I’ve been eating 5 smaller meals, I’ve been eating less food, never stay hungry. It’s kind of funny how that works. It makes all the difference. You can still eat all the yummy food you want for the most part, just space it out so that your metabolism can handle it better.
The “Before” Picture
I started a weight-loss challenge with my personal trainer and the rest of her clients. 10 dollar buy-in. Measurements and weight check every week and a food log. Then at the end of our session she asked me to send her a “before” picture.
Fuck.
I had avoided keeping a full length mirror in my apartment because this just wasn’t something I wanted to face. I did not want to see what 150 pounds looked like on me. I avoided it for days, but I finally took it and all the hate ensued.
How did I let myself get this way? I used to be a dainty 120-lb girl. I’m 5’2″ and there’s not much room for an extra 5 lbs on me let alone an extra 30. I worked too much these past two years. I didn’t make time for myself. I didn’t make time for my health, and I let myself turn into this godzilla monster. I’ve never weighed this much before. I’ve never had to lose this much weight. How the hell am I going to do this? I have no discipline whatsoever.
After berating myself for about an hour, I realized I needed to fucking relax and figure out a plan. One thing at a time.
OK, how do I achieve long-term goals at work?
Stay laser-focused. Break work up into bearable parts. Become obsessed. Find and utilize every resource that I can.
This is doable.
If it was possible to go from this:
to this:
Then I firmly believe there’s a possibility to reverse the damage.
So, let’s do this.
Why Don't My Pants Fit? 