I’m now 8 weeks in to my weight-loss journey. And I’m tired.

I feel like the weight’s not coming off fast enough and it frustrates me. A lot.  I gave myself a break during the holiday weekend and I felt the spiral hitting hard. I started drinking beer again which was something I’d hoped I wouldn’t crave anymore, but how can you have Fourth of July with no beer?! I thought I was developing a superpower-like discipline, but turns out, I’m still a normal person.

I feel like I’m spending so much time (and money) working out and fixing my diet. I don’t eat fast food anymore which means I’m going poor trying to eat healthy. But I’m still fat. I still hate myself when I look in the mirror, and I feel ugly and drained.

My fear is that I’m going to continue this for a few more weeks and somehow work backwards and gain weight again, and when that happens I won’t be encouraged enough to keep going. My fear is that I’ll give up, and I’ll never get there.

But I’m tired of caring this weight around. I’m tired of being fat and I miss being skinny. I miss being able to eat things and not feel guilty about it, I miss being able to put on clothes and not worry about how much my stomach was sticking out or the sleeves being too tight. I miss the idea of spanx being foreign to me. I miss looking in the mirror and feeling confident before I walked out of the door in the mornings. Will I ever have that again? I’m beginning to doubt it and doubt myself.